it's been a long time since i've done any internal rumination... the things i do nowadays, either stem from unbridled basal impulses or just hardcore physical movement (such as dance & sports what were you thinking). anyhow, not much cognitive effort needed there. but i guess that's the whole point isn't it. to stop myself from being trapped in that cyclical train wreck of destructive thoughts, from thinking about us in the past - how we used to be so skyhigh - and then the things that went wrong, the little signs, and then how you are now. a small, evil part of me hopes that you're miserable. that you look at her and think about how i was so much better at dealing with your tantrums and thinking of ways to make you happy. that's the part that wishes you go burn in hell. but that part gets eaten up by the ugly melancholy any other day. these ravenous creatures create bloodshed that paint my dreams red at night. which is why the only way to keep these monsters under wraps is to completely tire myself out everyday so i don't even have time to think, don't even have time to ache.
schedule's pretty packed for this month, just the way i like it. there's 3 dance jobs, 1 dance competition, high achievers assignments, going out with friends, and driving lessons slotted in between. and i haven't packed the bags of stuff from hall yet ._. missing A who's having the time of his life now in America... missing having someone always there to listen to my rants, talk rubbish with and who actually cares if i'm injured/sick/upset.
