this Christmas, B and I decided to do some small gift surprises in order to show our friends that we love and appreciate them, as well as to spread some Christmas cheer (: additionally, I wanted to do a separate round of 'Xmas Surprise' myself - to send gifts to friends studying overseas whom I may not have kept in contact all these while but are never far from my thoughts.
one particularly nostalgic night, I was ploughing through old notes my friends used to write me and was hit by a sense of shame that I never seem to express my appreciation of friends I hold dear enough. I'm not the most expressive, loving nor sensitive friend around. I know that has never been one of my strengths. I don't ask after my friends enough, I don't keep up with letters, I sometimes don't remember birthdays. I think, as a result, there have been many who think of me as apathetic or cold. recently, I've also been hitting quite a number of rough patches with my friendships - having friends who break off contact with me because of the hurt I caused from my actions or the perceived effects of them. consequently, my identity as a 'good friend' has been brutally damaged and undermined.
coming back to the idea of the Xmas Surprises, it was my idea first to reach out to my overseas friends, and then B's idea to extend it to ppl around us. we both know our end goal wasn't about the social media approval, but it was about believing in the power of giving. making friends happy makes us happy (: and so I started making a list of the friends I wanted to contact, and found a way to get all their postal addresses. I sewed long and hard on the 5 handsewn gifts (each averaging 5 hours) for a few consecutive nights and finally mailed them out in time for Xmas. when I dropped the letters into the postal box, I felt I was sending my life away.
the point was, it didn't matter how long or how much effort I spent on those gifts. if those gifts could just bring a little warmth and comfort to my friends, it would all be worth it. I know I express my love in a very different way from how others do, but I realize that true friends are never the ones who fault you for that. and today, regardless of the lost friendships, I am grateful for these true friends that I have :')
