last night was a maelstrom nightmare. there was so much tears so much rain so much darkness. i was in a room crying my heart out, comforted by someone who should be the last person in that position, and all i wanted was for you to be telling me things are gonna be alright. haven't felt this helpless since 2 months ago when i called A on the phone and first verbalized it in words... it cracks me up every time because all these while i really thought i was made of something better. i never denied that i wasn't ok but i underestimated the extent...

and now my world just feels as if it can fall apart at the touch of a hairpin. nothing is dependable anymore. i have no tangible faith and all my closest ones are gone. i can't take anymore of this guilt nor the unwarranted attention nor his pain. i don't want to have to bear the responsibility of meeting up to his expectations because i can't. my heart is still mourning for someone. and how can he be so insensitive and irreponsible?! since he can't respect boundaries, then i'm sorry, my walls will just be my best defences and friends.