i was wrong when i said that i would be helpless to fight it if anyone happens at this point of time when i am at my most vulnerable. because despite all this loneliness, i'm still here; not for want of potentials, but because i just can't. it's as physically impossible as teleportation/telekinesis is to me. i've hidden my heart so well that... i'm not even sure if i can find it anymore. and you see, that's the difference between you and i. while you were so ready to accept someone into your life already, i've become so broken i can't even find anything within me to give anymore. and nobody knows this, except perhaps the people who are still bothering to read this.
i guess as much as this is killing me, the fact that i can't talk about this to anybody properly -- without them not understanding or not caring or not expecting something in return -- is also turning out to be incredibly hard to bear.
on hindsight, what we had can simply be summarized into one huge misunderstanding, and for that i am immensely disappointed in you. because i think you underestimated my fragility and my trust in you the day i took the leap of faith and gave us a chance. you never fully understood how much it took for me to restore my faith in relationships and love; that's why each time i brought up the notion of a break you always thought that i didn't take us seriously enough. but that's not it. it's just that everything in our relationship went against the very fundamental notions of what i perceived to be necessary for a healthy relationship. i wanted never to have to doubt your love, because i grew up with family members who took my love for granted and threw it back into my face. instead, i felt distrust, passivity and a huge chasm in our love languages. i wanted support and a certain level of autonomy, because the only way i was shown love throughout my childhood was through oppressive constraints and incessant smothering. and that was exactly what i got. so we got immensely upset with each other a couple of times and the fact that i could actually want to give it up were telltale signs that something was intrinsically very wrong. but i'm not sure if you ever fully comprehended..?
up till now, that distorted perception you have of me is still there. we started on a big question mark and ended with an even bigger state of confusion. how very wrong and foolish i was... i loved big and i lost.
i guess as much as this is killing me, the fact that i can't talk about this to anybody properly -- without them not understanding or not caring or not expecting something in return -- is also turning out to be incredibly hard to bear.
on hindsight, what we had can simply be summarized into one huge misunderstanding, and for that i am immensely disappointed in you. because i think you underestimated my fragility and my trust in you the day i took the leap of faith and gave us a chance. you never fully understood how much it took for me to restore my faith in relationships and love; that's why each time i brought up the notion of a break you always thought that i didn't take us seriously enough. but that's not it. it's just that everything in our relationship went against the very fundamental notions of what i perceived to be necessary for a healthy relationship. i wanted never to have to doubt your love, because i grew up with family members who took my love for granted and threw it back into my face. instead, i felt distrust, passivity and a huge chasm in our love languages. i wanted support and a certain level of autonomy, because the only way i was shown love throughout my childhood was through oppressive constraints and incessant smothering. and that was exactly what i got. so we got immensely upset with each other a couple of times and the fact that i could actually want to give it up were telltale signs that something was intrinsically very wrong. but i'm not sure if you ever fully comprehended..?
up till now, that distorted perception you have of me is still there. we started on a big question mark and ended with an even bigger state of confusion. how very wrong and foolish i was... i loved big and i lost.
