so another year has come and went >.< but a new year? not so much. you see a lot of people speak of the new year as an epoch-making event, but somehow it just hasn't sunk in for me yet. it just feels like... nothing's changed you know? as if this was just an extended month of a really long year. i'm not exactly feeling the usual optimism about new beginnings nor am i feeling particularly nostalgic for past events, which is weird considering how i'm like. if you know what i mean.
maybe some part of me doesn't want to move on; the part that kept my awareness of the linear reality of time buried. just like how it kept memories of you buried and completely cut your EXISTENCE out of my life- muted your voice in my head, redflagged my consciousness when i unconsciously thought about you... i guess i did a pretty good job convincing myself i'm over this, when in actual fact all i've done was to pour sand over your bottle in the most frantic, helpless, aggressive manner. and for a while it did work, until yesterday night's conversation triggered off an avalanche. who am i kidding right?
but maybe, keeping things buried is the only way my coping mechanism can function. i'm trying to be strong and motivated and do as many meaningful things i can while i'm happy but if and when i break... then i'll think about an escape route later.