to miss?

... surely there's a adjective for this because i'm certain this emotion cannot be unique to my experience? it's not nostalgia, and disconsolate doesn't feel quite right. it's not ambivalent either, though it's pretty much a mix of a few extremes... i dunno, what's the noun of 'to miss'? - loss? longing?

it's... not simply a one-dimensional kind of longing; it's the full-blown intense desire to have him around and talk to him and look at his face kind of feeling, if you get what i mean? on hindsight, it's really scary because i just realized this: 18 years of my life and he's been around less than 1/4 of it. not even a single photo with him. have i even hugged him before? i dunno. all i know is that this kind of emptiness is the scariest and most overwhelming because it's latent and everytime i think about it, it never fails to bring me down.

i... really hate crying on the mrt. seriously. no one to offer you a piece of tissue or a pat on the shoulder except for their needless curiosity and strange pity. the one person who used to fix your eyes and offer you his shoulder is gone. and the other one who teared when you told him your life story at gloria jean's won't ever care for you the same way now. so? nothing else to do except to listen to more oasis/barcelona, perhaps cry a little more, pick yourself up and move on.

sick cycle carousel...