not everyone gets to be a superhero.

i find myself feeling very alone most of the time. i'm not a complete recluse (or at least i hope i'm not), and i do enjoy the company of close friends. in that sense, i'm quite a people person; sincere, meaningful interactions with humans is my impetus in life. but i'm not a people person, if you get what i mean. i get tired easily when i'm out in a crowd, i still get nervous when i have to speak up at times, and i'm usually very, very quiet in conversations. all the true hallmarks of an introvert.

that doesn't make it easy for me in the workplace. so after three months of work, i've learnt that the number one important skill to have is profiling. how to think of ways to not only go above and beyond your standard of work, but also to make sure somebody sees what you're doing. i guess i'm fine forcing myself to PR to upper management and approach strangers to introduce myself... but at the end of the day, what kills me the most is how other people have such a natural talent to make themselves likeable. likeable people are always seen. i find myself comparing my worth (or lack thereof) to others - how they're prettier / more capable / more approachable. if people aren't as enthusiastic talking to me than with other people, then there must certainly be something wrong with me.

i'm becoming someone i don't even like anymore.

i like to be very good at what i do. and i like to be very good at everything i do. at this point of time, i don't think i'm ready to be at that position yet. and it's a slippery slope because once i feel like i fail at something, i feel like i fail at everything else because i'm just. not good enough.

it sounds ridiculous now that i've put the situation in words.

oh well. maybe i just have to learn to accept that there isn't enough extraordinary in me to go around. not everyone gets to be a superhero.