Recently,  I've been feeling that my grip on my social reality is gradually loosening... Maybe I'm not trying hard enough or maybe everyone has chosen to move on without me. To be fair, I haven't been the most obliging friend when it comes to meet ups and gatherings. And I'm simply not the kind of person who would prioritize my friends over my work based on the (unfounded?) assumption that if they matter, they wouldn't mind. I take no shame in being committed to the club I preside or a lifestyle that I love but I can't deny it has come in between a lot of the people I love in my life. Not to mention this issue has been recurring between the boyfriend and I as well.

The end of the semester opened up more pockets of free time to catch up with friends I haven't seen for some time. Yet, when I was physically there, I feel awkward and very disconnected. I couldn't keep up with conversation topics, didn't feel like I was included or worse, welcome. I could barely get any word edge ways and even if I did, it felt like it didn't make a difference. Everyone felt closer to each other except for me. I was the kid peering over the fence watching the other kids play ball.


Not sure what I'm holding on to anymore...