feeling kinda nostalgic today... maybe it's the fenfedrin that's gotten into my head. or maybe the haunting dreams every night... but sometimes there are parts of my old self that i really miss. like the me that was evolving for the better - the one that had better insight, better prose. or the me that was always surrounded by friends who understood and stood by me. now everyone's gone their separate ways. and if friends are any indication of the kind of person you once were, then i feel like i've lost so many parts of myself because i can no longer feel absolutely comfortable with some of my closest friends. and losing that connection with them makes me feel as if i've lost connection with that part of myself i once was too. well, niang being the only exception i think (: then again i guess it's also that circumstances play a part too? like i was closest with rach when we were in scotland, sharing stories and laughter when we talked to each other across our beds. but we can never go back to that same b&b or back to who we were anymore, right?
i guess the main reason for what i'm feeling right now is because... i feel as if i'm becoming more and more one-dimensional. because there's only one person important in my life whom i hang out with regularly. and i'm not complaining but it's quite sad that i've lost the dynamic part of myself. the me who was the youngest amongst the bsp group, always cracking lame jokes and being taken care of by the rest. the me who could give solid advice to guys because i understood where they were coming from but was always the butt of gender-confused jokes as a result. or the me who kept having unbelievably crazy crushes on the most unexpected of all people and who drove my friends to exasperation. now? i'm just plain vanessa, the quiet, mediocre one.
everyday feels like a fleeting strip of images, passing by me in the window while i'm on the train bound for nowhere.
